My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
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Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
oh you like nyc? name every rat
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
My daughter has an arch nemesis and I recently found a list of ideas she titled “get even”, and while we’re gonna have to rule out “eat his lunch” and “glue his hair” I think we can work with “beat him at football”
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
I’m afraid we’ve been misjudging everyone who surfs in a hurricane. They’ve got it right.
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
My wife is my rock.
Not only is she always there for me, but she looks just like Dwayne Johnson
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song