My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
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[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
July is so long that it feels like August is avoiding us
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
Me? Well, I just spent 5 minutes examining a worrisome mole before it fell off because it was a junior mint .
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
starting a new competition called Bad Olympics where you’re not allowed to compete if you have any sort of natural advantage that makes you good at a sport
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?