My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
You Might Also Like
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
My 6yo lost his first tooth today and wants to know when the dentist is coming.
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget