Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*

Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience

Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.

ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin

Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.

my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…

Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.

12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.

Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?

Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.

I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this

when i was on a menswear forum, a n00b claimed his shoes were handwelted, so an older forum member bought a pair of the shoes for $400, ripped them apart, and proved they were not handwelted, thus triggering a series of events that brought down a shoe factory in italy

Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.

Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.

Then:
Me: I want McDonald’s

Mom: Do you have McDonald’s money?

Now:
Mom: I want grandkids

Me: Do you have grandkids money??

1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?

Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.

Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.

I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.

MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?

if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done

I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going

Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more

I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.

I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.

I asked my kid what they actually do during a half day at school. He said “I don’t know, but we eat lunch early and there is less time for Nico to pee on the floor”

Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.

every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“

50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.

72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.

H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?

Me: … … … Yes.

GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*