Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.

the way this pissed me off… 😭

I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.

[music store]

me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar

him: sir, that’s a mandolin

I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.

Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.

A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.

Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.

Nothing flies faster than the ketchup out of the bottle when you only want a little.

[i see a hot girl walking her dog]

me: hi, can i ask you a question?

her: hi, uh, sure

me: i was talking to your dog

her: oh haha ok

me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me

thankfully, most bananas are boneless

[Coffee line]

*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.

Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.

Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits

Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.

My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.

If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.

Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?

Me: yes, please! *opens purse*

Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.

A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.

Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”

The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.

In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes

My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie

Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.

“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”

“What’s that Sarge?”

“Someone’s building a pig.”

I eat salads because you can’t just drink ranch dressing

Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.

A kebab made by a librarian is a

Shhhhhish kebab

#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe

[during sex]

Him: punish me baby

Me: OK *hides the TV remote*

Him: that’s not what i m—

Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*

Him: omg please, stop