Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning

[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]

A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-

Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up

Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.

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So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF

Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all

Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?

Girl, are you an environmentalist?

‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.

This salon has a picture of their bathroom in their bathroom and I love it so much

Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.

#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes

Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?

“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently

hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶‍♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.

Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.

My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.

“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games

You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.

When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking

You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.

I didn’t know they can drive…

Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”

*Middle of dinner*

My kid: Can I have a snack?

If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin

I really don’t get enough praise for someone who doesn’t need validation from others.

I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.

5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!

a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist

Coffee ain’t cutting it anymore. I need to eat batteries. 😭

This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.

*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*

My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions

19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’

Me: ‘It’s fine.’

Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.