My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
You Might Also Like
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
necessity is the mother of invention
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one