My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
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Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
If the first thing you do in the morning is checking your emails, you’re starting your day with other people’s problems
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
“Oh I’d love to but I can’t”
Translation: I don’t want to so I won’t.
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
Werewolves of Paris.
ADIEUUUUUUUUUU!
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
screeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeam
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?