My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
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Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
What in the hipster hell is going on here
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
me: [stroller shopping] how much for this one
clerk: do you have a baby
me: would you accept cash instead
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
New parent: What do you do when your kids are fighting?
Me, an experienced parent: You’re going to want to go get yourself a good pair of noise cancelling headphones…
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket