My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
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One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I’m not eating this piece of apple until you take the skin off.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
Darth Vader wanted to kill Solo but didn’t have the necessary Han die coordination.
#StarWarsDay
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.