My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
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This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
Me trying to reach for my goals
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
*lint rolls you awake*
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
Took my kid to the ER recently and just got two bills…one for the ER and one for the doctor we saw at the ER. Sorry, I didn’t realize there was an option to just go to the ER without seeing a doctor and just hang out.
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
Spider-Man, Spider-Man
Chillin in his camper van,
Kickin back, drinkin booze,
Head to toe in sweet tattoos.
Hang on,
That is not Spider-Man.
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.