My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
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Stranger: I’m going to punch you in the face now
Me: Please don’t
Stranger: It’s on sale 🥰
Me: Omg 3 please
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
AWWWW 😍
This is way better than “Live, Laugh, Love.”
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
The DoorDasher placed our drinks against the door, essentially trapping us in our home.
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
Me handing out gift bags at my Halloween party: don’t worry – it’s already dead
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
How much for the goth pool noodles?
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
Second person to try hang gliding: Wow thanks for letting me be the first person to try this
Inventor: Suuure
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
I’m sorry but every time I see the words “Lord Pickles” I think they’re talking about a very fancy cat.