My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
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Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
I ate everything, including the H.
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
