My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
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I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
Until my 30s I ate the whole Apple, core and all. When people looked surprised, I told them it was healthy; the ‘whole food’. Then my Mum admitted she’d taught me that so I didn’t leave rotting apple cores in the back seat of the car.
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
i understand that my body can’t digest corn or whatever. that’s fine. my issue is that i f****** chewed it. how the hell is it coming out back in the shape of corn. what are they not telling us
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
You should be able to google why a couple broke up
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.