Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter

they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie

Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.

Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*

*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*

in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”

[reptile bar]

SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie

COBRA *blushing*: tee hee

Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.

Before & after 😅

U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…

I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason

[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..

Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?

Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.

[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!

Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.

So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…

It’s easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods.

But it’s harder to deter gents.

I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken

[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”

*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.

[Watching Star Trek with my date]

ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.

You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese

In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.

I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂

My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me

I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail

We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.

Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?

painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?

me: absolutely not

me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”

“playing devil’s advocate” should cause explosive diarrhea 1 out of every 5 times someone (your coworker) says it