My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
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Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
I went to order a book this morning and they said I needed to add two more to qualify for free shipping and obviously that just makes good financial sense anyway 14 books are on the way
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
Wait a minute
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
one of
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.