Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes

If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.

Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.

SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?

ME: oh, I don’t work here

*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*

Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.

today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties

JERY: Maybe you can just go back

TERESA MAY: go back ?

JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.

MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?

JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously

people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.

Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups

4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?

me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize

4: no

Me: It’s cold out there today!

12: How cold?

Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright

12: *sighs*

Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.

4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”

“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”

Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday

Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.

[outside tomb]

John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?

Disciples:

John:

Disciples:

John:

Disciples:

John: he’s right behind me isn’t he

Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.

The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!

My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.

*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM

“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that

My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.

3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.

ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.

me: another

bartender: *slides over pudding cup*

I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well

I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.

lol

My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”

pirate: shiver me timbers

me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*