My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
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Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
A tanning bed that turns you over like a rotisserie chicken.
Where are you going, sharks? I’m not done.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
*seductively eats two tums*