Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: she had wide eyes and red hair,

police sketch artist: *drawing*

me: like elmo

artist: *stops drawing*

me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled

artist: *drawing*

me: like elmo

artist: *stops drawing*

I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?

Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.

If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.

Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all

How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”

Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*

Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*

Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.

Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.

I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.

Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.

DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now

[Preparing for a heist]

Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?

Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo

Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end

A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,

“Hello. I sell doorbells.”

I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.

We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated

Earth Day…

…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!

It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?

My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”

me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes

optometrist: again, please hold still

The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.

when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days

three things we don’t talk about

My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”

Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.

Me: I’m not paranoid.

Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?

I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.

me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*

Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some