My son is worried about being on Santa’s nice list but rather than change his behavior he has decided to continue worrying, and that is actually quite relatable.
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I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
Zack Greinke stories are the best
These dogs look like they have good credit.
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
I think this cat is broken
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad