My son is worried about being on Santa’s nice list but rather than change his behavior he has decided to continue worrying, and that is actually quite relatable.
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date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
I hid some form of a weapon in literally every room of my home when I first moved in and now I have to figure out where the hell I put everything before I move out…
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
