My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
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[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
Why it’s so many prime days?
They broke ?
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
i know that the frontal lobe is not developed before age 25 because i got married when i was 24 and decided to get my first ever spray tan spontaneously on the day of my wedding.
The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one