My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
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If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
You look like you can go as yourself for Halloween.
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
What’s the matter, babe? You’ve barely touched your spaghetti cube.
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”