Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.

Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.

I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”

babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped

The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”

I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.

What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?

My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.

Boating season is upon us.

This morning around 3am:
“Wooo wooooooo woooooooooooooo”
“Woodtdtdtd Wdtdtdtdtdtdtdt Wdtdtdtdtdtdtdtd”
WTF??!?

The Border Collies figured out that the fan makes their voices sound funny if they Wooo directly through the middle, so guess what they’ve all been doing since 3am.

ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please

Super Hand Dog Face

sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings

Selfie attempt: come hither look

Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm

You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.

I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.

Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away

Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”

The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.

I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay

Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?

Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕

Pac-Man: again?

Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one

Cashier: Would you like a receipt?
Me: Absolutely. This was the best Pop Tarts buying experience of my life & it’s going into my scrapbook!

your honor my client chooses dare

Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.

Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?

A2: I do.

A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.

A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?

A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”

*calls lost & found*

Me: Have you seen my patience?

L&F: Hold on a second.

Me: *click*

I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.

[stuck on side of road]

DATE: can you change a tire?

ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?

I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.