Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012

Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store

Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV

The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.

Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.

Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?

Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.

Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.

When I take a minute to focus on my own life.

Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded

I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.

You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.

I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.

You gotta know when to tweet em

Know when to delete em

Know when to follow someone

Know when to run

E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*

[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire

If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.

Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.

Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.

New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.

When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.

Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.

“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard

[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed

every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough

*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*

*Wakes up in Superman’s body*

Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!

*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*

Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point

Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead

Ok, mammals, you had your chance. I’m voting for a reptile this year.

If only

“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”

*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.