*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
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Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..