My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
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Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
Norman Bates’ favorite reference book was the enpsychopedia.
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power