My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
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Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
No one:
My 3yo: I’m going to go sit on the baby!
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
Don’t you feel like the bed sometimes traps us? 🛌😅 #wawawiwacomics
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls