My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
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I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
Me: teachers have a hard job, stop treating them as babysitters.
also me when school resumes in the fall: OH THANK GOD
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
I just lived without power for 6 straight days. Hurricane Helene tricked me into camping for a week and I am not amused.
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone