My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
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Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
I hope google does well on my son’s test
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
I’ve discovered that books are not donuts.
If you make a donut & someone buys it & likes it, they may buy another donut tomorrow.
If you write a book & someone buys it & likes it, they will not buy another copy the next day.
This is the flaw of books or the advantage of donuts
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
oh sorry i cant im busy that day