my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
You Might Also Like
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering.
Scientist: We’ve developed kids with volume knobs.
Me: How much funding do you need.
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
Raise your hand if you’ve ever tried to breathe quieter while walking up a hill so strangers didn’t call 911 to put you on life support
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again