my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
You Might Also Like
Why do parents bust into your room like they are trying to see you cheating on them with another pair of parents or something 😭😂
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
Make your kid’s next birthday a surprise party by taking them to Walmart.
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
i wonder why they stopped looking
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
Politics top tip: Gain people’s trust by telling them that everyone is lying to them.
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
Donating blood today to make room for more food
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.