My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
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I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
it is time once again
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
Not telling the NYPD how to do their job but if they really wanted to catch the guy they should have offered free healthcare as a reward
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
I’m going to start the new year with some spring cleaning. It won’t take long because I don’t own many springs.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
i have one of these at work and when i get bored i plug it into the outlets
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.