My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
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My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.