My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
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“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
Only three things are preventing me from becoming an Olympic gymnast: balance , strength, and getting out of this beanbag chair.
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
In my neighborhood, when things are left by the curb, they’re free to take.
Officer: “Ma’am please step out of the Amazon truck.”
FINDERS KEEPE *gets tased*
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!