My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
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My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”