Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.

Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.

I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.

One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.

“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie

Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.

With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.

Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them

It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.

some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob

What a chick magnet..

My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.

I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.

Plot twist-
Maury is the father.

“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”

I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY

Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.

Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you

Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?

Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.

7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.

2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.

Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there

*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*

[sunset]

Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]

*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*

CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?

GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!

Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.

At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die

instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me

I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”

Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.

This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.