Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”

What do you call someone who chews all day?

A train

My boss: Do you have Twitter?

Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.

I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?

*plugs in Xmas lights*

Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain

Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL

Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.

A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”

Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice

Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.

Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?

i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns

“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily

Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?

Hey, is that guy dead?

twitter: Canadians are so nice

Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap

Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?

the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week

I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.

Everyone’s family

Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.

No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?

Me: I’m not petty.

Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.

I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds

I love cheese!

Cheese: I have a boyfriend

Government Shutdown: Day 13

Anthony Weiner decides to help.

He takes a photo.

He tweets.

Congress now sees where balls are located.

No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.

My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.

Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*

Everyone has their talents. Mine is picking the grocery store checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.

It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.