My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
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[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
I’m so good at missing early morning meetings, I can do it with my eyes closed
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
When my sister went into labour I was 13.
It was at 03, we shared a room. She woke me up saying, “I think I’m in labour.” I told her, “No you’re not go back to sleep.” Me, a 13 year old who knew nothing. Even her she listened . My mum was sooo pissed in the morning 💀
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
hey, alexa
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.