My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
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[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
Never forget.
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more