My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
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I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
I wish I loved anything as much as teenage baggers at the grocery store love treating my fruit like it was made of adamantium.
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
Me: I have a toothache
WebMD: Your dad is the Zodiac killer
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
*watching our 7yo’s softball game*
Me: Where’s our kid?
Him: The one dancing
Me: Ah, yes
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot