My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
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Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
I clicked on 1 picture of Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. Now my entire timeline is Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. My family has been replaced by Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. The only words I know are Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. The concept of time is now Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
The worst part about being drunk and seeing double is when you realize it’s just one slice of pizza
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
If only
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
There’s nothing like new glasses to make you realize you should get new glasses more often than every five years. Like, ah yes, trees have leaves. Birds. I’d forgotten all about them.
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Never go to sleep after making me angry
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.