Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.

White clothes: lol same.

Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.

Sachets away.

Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.

It’s too bad he never woke up and chose violence. “Bob Ross, mob boss” has a nice ring to it.

My bro was laid off from his job as an art director for one of the largest high end retail stores in the nation. I mean, totally sucks for him, but with the job is the loss of his 33% discount. I’m sure you can understand that this is a very difficult time of mourning for me.

My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.

Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now

My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.

Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.

[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?

I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.

But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.

DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high

MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious

Wife: You need a shower
Me: The pressure’s too low
Wife: OK, have a shower or I’m taking the kids

I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please

So many true crime podcasts are just like “a young woman went missing, the police took a week to respond, she was last seen with a man the community call Creepy Murdery Steve, he has never been questioned”

[garden of Eden]

Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled

Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake

My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.

January has been Januweary

COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.

happy friday

I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.

Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..

That’s how the fight started

Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*

Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.

I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.

t-shirt: Lay flat to dry

me: I can’t do laundry lying down

“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf

Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.

Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.

Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?

Name 3 chains they’ve smoked

*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*

Introducing new iPhone 5 features:

– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.