Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”

I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters

If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.

me: before you hire me, you should know i take things

interviewer: like what?

me: time and care

interviewer: oh haha

me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits

Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.

Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.

Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.

SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS

Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.

That moment when you google a recipe hoping for a list of ingredients and a method, only to find eight pages of guff which begins “I was five when I first realised I had a fear of envelopes…”

I stopped my pig from eating a penny.

I don’t know why.

I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.

“Evolution-schmevolution!”

-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy

me: how was your camping trip

5 y/o: good

me: what’d you guys do

5 y/o: camped

Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing

Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES

A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.

My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?

Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES

Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.

Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.

me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]

As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.

MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol

Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.

If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.

guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”

Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast

Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.

“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”

I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.

Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?

mom gave me mine for free

This is the weirdest thing I’ve ever typed, but I have had a treadmill for four years and TODAY OUT OF THE BLUE IT TALKED.