Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.

#Thanos #MondayMood

Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter

Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*

Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood

Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.

just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile

(first day as a bartender)

customer: fifth of scotch.

me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.

She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.

Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.

HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.

… Nailed it!

[playing guitar in hotel lounge]

Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?

Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?

ME: I lied in my interview.

BOSS: what was the lie?

ME: all lies. except about my aunt.

BOSS: she wants to party with me?

ME: big time.

I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??

Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early

Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.

Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??

Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal

As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.

Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?

*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*

(in customer service line at Walmart)

*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*

My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.

was in a meeting that ran over by about 20 minutes and the presenter was not even close to being finished

until a very exasperated nigerian colleague unmuted herself to announce loudly “i am very unhappy with you, barry”

12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!

OMG 🤣🤣

Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.

Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…

Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.

“Are you mad at me?”

No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????

Me: (throwing up in toilet)

6: (pulls my hair out of my face)

Me: *aw she cares about me*

6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?

I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.

Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed