My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
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[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS