My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
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4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
You never forget your first kiss. Or your first meeting with HR.
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
Show me a better name for a sugar company.
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
Saturday
