Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Dinner party]

ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.

HOST: MY TURTLES!

[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible

me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat

friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony

“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-

-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses

They say the camera adds 10 lbs.

Looks like fast food added the other 40.

Eating nothing but bacon for my keto diet because I wanna be thin in time for my heart attack

*Computer crashes, I reboot it*

Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.

Me: Don’t put this on me, man.

I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats

7yo: Want to know how I got so good at math?

Me: Yes.

7yo: I found out there was a calculator on my watch, and I pretend to read the time in class now.

I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.

what all these pyramids be scheming about?

Them: Is your cat friendly?

My Cat: What kind of a fucking question is that?

Me: No

Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.

I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor

drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?

7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!

Me: suddenly now you can do math

hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?

STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.

Just caught a glimpse of myself in a shop window and realised I’ve got my trousers on upside down 🤦🏻‍♂️

When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.

Thank you, Internet.

Thank you.

doctor: i have bad news

me: uh oh

doctor: u have scoobyditis

me: *whispers* ruh roh

[gf comes home after spray tanning]

Hey, orange you looking good!

“Thanks”

Anytime, pumpkin!

“You’re sweet”

You’re one in vermillion!

Nobody:

Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS

You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.

You’re goddamn right I’m touching the plate immediately after you warn me it’s hot

T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R

Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.

Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?

Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you

Me: Not now Mom

Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?

Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?

Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?

*Day 9 of quarantine*

Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?

I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips