My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
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I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
They say do one thing every day that scares you, which is why every single day, I get a colonoscopy
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
People posting their horrific dating app screenshots serves an important purpose: keeping married people together. Whatever problems you have in your marriage you don’t want to be out there again
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.