My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
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It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
I’m tired tomorrow.
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.