I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
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[ during job interview ]
– “Why do you think you would make a good asset to our team?”
– “I give up, why?”
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Very slight chuckle*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
Procrastination is a dish best served tomorrow.
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB