@HeSlimedMeRay

My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.

We take our lazy seriously around here.

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@SondraDeeMe

I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.

@ohpeetie

[ during job interview ]

– “Why do you think you would make a good asset to our team?”

– “I give up, why?”

@TheAndrewNadeau

[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling*

*Scrolling*

*Scrolling*

*Very slight chuckle*

*Scrolling*

Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.

@roxiqt

DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature

ME: [leaves]

@Bandersnaaatch

Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?

@ieatanddrink

I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do

@JohnLyonTweets

Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.

@KyleMcDowell86

I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.

@CountMackula

Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB