My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
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sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
I have so many questions.
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
oh shit
me irl
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence