Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…

*opens laptop
*types

Wife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.

Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.

How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?

It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…

“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”

*prospective pet owner interview

Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?

Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian

“Aww, what a nice name”

It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name

“What is it?”

Theskywithdiamonds

Interior designer.

When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.

just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀

This could have been an email.

— me, while attending a wedding ceremony

My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.

I’ll see myself out.

I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?

Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without

Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.

Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?

Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.

Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.

4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit

Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies

How old people make use of canes:

10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.

I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform

Boss: How were your weekends?

Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team

Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter

Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly

Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.

First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright

ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog

god: u can eat things twice ur size

snake: ok but how

god: go like 😮

snake:

god: then u just kinda :O

Hmm, not sure about this change

7-year-old: How late can I stay up?

Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.

7: I’m going to bed now.

I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.

Not now. I’m deglazing.