Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit

Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.

ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*

I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.

her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college

me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?

roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep

Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?

Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing

Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.

The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.

“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”

I love you just the way you are.

Though I do have a few suggestions.

“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.

This lunch pairs well with watching 9 minutes of a tv show

fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea

Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky

The dental hygienist told me I have nice gums today and giggled, then she told me she was happily married. So I don’t really know what to believe

Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79

*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*

me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train

conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK

Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?

Have you ever taken a nap so good you think you’ve missed the school bus but it’s Sunday and you’re 56

911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!

Spinach: *laughs maniacally*

Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.

[does his regular grocery shopping]

Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?

Me: ……………….yes.

Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?

It’s so funny how fast you adapt. Literally four months after ending a twelve-year run of going to school for seven hours a day you’re like “wait, I have THREE classes today?! Is that legal?!”

i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.

Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?

CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?

NSA: “U2’s New Album”

He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.