My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
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I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
I burn TV dinners every night so my husband thinks it’s “homemade”.
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
All I’m saying is that nobody can cook rubbish like last borns. Those creatures can even fry water
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
If you’re hungry, you can say “I’d kill for a doughnut,” and it’s fine. But any other crime sounds suspicious.
“I’d commit insider trading for a cruller right now.”
“Oh man, I’d totally burn down a warehouse for a bear claw.”
“Give me a jelly filled or I’ll shiv you.”