Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My octopus can beat up your octopus.

*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*

“Lets do this.”

There is no try. There is only give up.

“I don’t have a library card, can I get on a computer?”
“You don’t have a card?”
“Nope.”
“But the printing. And ebooks.”
“No thanks.”
“And databases and DVDs.”
“Nah.”
“And every year on your birthday library workers come to your house and sing.”
“Really?”
“One way to find out.”

a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down

Go to drunk, you’re bed.

Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British

me: *knocking* hello is anyone home

mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock

me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood

Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.

The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.

Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”

I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.

My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone

Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time

me: how do you like the future?

lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car

me: what is it?

lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them

Roadkill is just a goth zoo

Wife: ” What’d you do today?”

Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”

If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.

If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.

My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…

‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.

genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now

HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly

UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay

I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back

Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police

When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.

*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*

ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you

Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.

Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.

Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…

Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.

Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–

Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.