My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
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I’m going to need a moment here.
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.