My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
villager: ah! run! it’s frankenstein!
dr. frankenstein: actually, i’m frankenstein. you can call him frankenstein’s-
frankenstein’s monster: *glaring*
dr. frankenstein: frankenstein’s friend
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
i thought i was gonna watch the craziest cooking show in history
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
People who have a protected account but comment on tweets, I have one thing to say to you:
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
my coworker threw a paper airplane at me and i was like “on today of all days 😟?” and she looked at me like this
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
