My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
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“Why you watching this shit?”
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
its weird that when seltzer goes flat it doesn’t turn into regular water. you can still taste that something was Done To It
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck got engaged, broke up, married other people, had children, reunited, got married, broke up again, and I’ve been single that whole time.
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.