Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Neighbor: What are you doing?

Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?

Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox

Flowers bee like

The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.

teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong

Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6

I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty

My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple

My fingers: so we did a thing

One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero

*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER

Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend

My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.

Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.

If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you

I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.

Lather. Rinse. Repeat!

ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs

The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”

So I took his Visa

Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”

Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”

Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.

Executioner: This is literally your last meal.

SHE has the mouth of a sailor…

…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.

Is my life this bad because I didn’t forward that email to 15 people back in 2007?

if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u

Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700

Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.

Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.

Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.

Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me

Riddler: what’s your secret identity

Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot

Riddler:

Batman: you absolute fool

Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.

Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.

Me: thanks duckter

Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you

I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?

those beautiful naked women have made a compelling argument i’m going to steer this ship into the rocks