Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.

It made walls invisible, too.

Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”

Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again

I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.

Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy

Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.

I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.

DARTH VADER: I am your father

LUKE: Buy me some jeans then

DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this

I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.

You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now

wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what

Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.

Children will see a neatly hanging dish towel and be like oh hell no

FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.

i thought lingerie was a type of noodle

If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂

I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.

remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza

[arriving at the international space station]

other astronaut: so how are things down there

me: a bit chafed tbh

Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten

WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?

I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.

Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar

It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display

If I was lying down and someone came up and gave me tons of kisses and smooshed my face, I’d love it. I don’t know what my cats problem is.

I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel

I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.

“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”

If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.

kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland