My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
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Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat