Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.

i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly

kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them

Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor

Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons

Husband: Want to go for a run?

Me: You know I don’t run.

Also me: *sees a food truck and takes off running*

They’re a pack of lions

He’s some guy who hates lions

Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICE

This fall on CBS

Yes, this is exactly right

Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”

I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.

Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again

Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.

DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S

If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple

“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”

I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.

My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.

Doctor: What’s the problem?

Me: Our baby cries all night

Doctor: That’s quite normal

Baby: ALL NIGHT

Doctor: Holy shit

if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured

Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra

Me *naked, singing into a shower head*

Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic

Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.

The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.

What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair

I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!

My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.

– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown

– making ice in trays

– doing housework

– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from

Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.

I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked

Look, all I’m saying is that it would be far more impressive to see someone turn lemonade into lemons

girls literally only want one thing..