Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?

Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”

So disappointed. I was unable to witness the awesome spectacle of the Perseid meteor shower in the middle of the night because unfortunately the view in my location was totally obscured by a thick layer of bedroom.

The Lion King is my favourite film outlining why you shouldn’t trust your uncle

You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.

it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey

Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast

I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious

I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…

English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.

Keith: That’s not true.

English Language: Don’t make it weird.

Keith: But you just..

English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol

Me: *walking in front of husband at store*

Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”

Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*

In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.

“Laura, can you come and let me out?”

[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.

“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”

OH COME ON

*does Basic Instinct leg cross*

*remembers I’m wearing jeans*

I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea

I have always been pro people but my god you f***ers have ground me down.

Your honor my client doesn’t like jail

me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating

publisher: no

me: ok

wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes

Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.

That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.

People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.

But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.

You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine

lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar

judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*

My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.

“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.

Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father

all toddlers look the same when telling a story

gpt-6 will have the intelligence of someone who decided not to get a PhD

an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard

A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.