Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Scientist: what do u know about atoms

Me: very little

Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???

Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.

You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?

I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.

Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”

casting director: whenever you’re ready

me: the name’s bond… james bond

casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns

me: no

Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.

I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.

My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.

axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable

If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…

Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there

I may be a middle aged suburban male but I still enjoy going out*, picking up hot chicks** & bringing them home.

*to Costco
** rotisserie chickens

“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”

I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭

new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge

“So sorry” – Actually sorry

“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry

“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all

“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me

I bought you some jumper cables since you like to start shit

call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.

Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.

Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.

My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.

PRIEST: do you have the ring

ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd

But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers

hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪

My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am

[Jesus as a Doordash driver]

[Eats your fish and chips]

[Delivers double your original order]

*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!