My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
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I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
a camel walks into a bar and the
bartender says, “hey you can’t bring your own drinks in here”
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
I listened to an interview with Matt Damon this morning. We always listen to interviews together.
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
This kinda thing happens to me often
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
Maybe the smartest thing I’ve ever done in my life is give the Democratic party a fake phone number every time i donate
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
When someone asks me if my twins are natural I tell them no they’re robots.
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
I don’t hate you I just wish your next period is in a shark tank
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.