My son just lectured his brother because he couldn’t find his phone like I didn’t just find his glasses in 2 minutes after he claimed they were lost forever.
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girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
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virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
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Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel