My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
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It’s my cracking, popping joints that has unfortunately kept me from my career as an unexpectedly hot assassin
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
Need WebMD
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
ok like just. call me at this point
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
Wow this person is full of shit, oh I’m on my own page
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
It’s so hot outside that when I opened my front door I thought I was checking on my cornbread
“It’ll be dead soon. Nature abhors a vacuum.”
-commentsivehadafew
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.