Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
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My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
I have two kinds of followers
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
We cut our bangs at dawn.
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”