Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …

*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*

Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.

Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three

I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.

If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.

the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face

Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.

*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”

Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail

Important reminders

BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be

ME: I’ll have a dirty martini

BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*

Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.

Him: Is this a sex thing?

Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.

Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads

if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.

I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.

Dad, we’re right in front of you

Uh….. go ask your mom.

ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.

Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…

Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*

I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head

let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport

gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!

“Well … I’ll be dammed.”

Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.

Communication during co-parenting is essential.

My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.

I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.

I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.

I’m going to start the new year with some spring cleaning. It won’t take long because I don’t own many springs.

I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.

I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.

My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?