My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
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At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
Dudes named Chance never had one.
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
Food delivery driver here, time is money so no need to stand behind your front door for a few minutes pretending that you’ve not just been staring out your window looking for us for the last 20 minutes and yes we saw your curtains twitching
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
Helpful police officer reminded me he’s the one asking the questions.
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
I’d … I’d rather not.
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities