My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
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Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
me: *starts the washer*
me, two minutes later: what’s that noise
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
When I go out on a Friday night, I choose my outfit based on what would look best in my mugshot
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
Note to self: I am a note
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.