Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
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I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.