My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
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I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
“Your tattoos will look dumb when you’re older” buddy, I look dumb right now. My tattoos have a lot of catching up to do
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
My neighbor’s kid said hi but I couldn’t think of his name and said “Hi son of John” like some biblical dude
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm