Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You: make yourself at home

Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*

someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.

Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.

[Baseball game]

ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex

HIM: What? No, baseball came first

ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball

*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.

The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”

[job interview]

Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.

Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?

Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…

Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.

I travel a lot for work and carry around a piece of paper in an envelope with a load of nonsense words written on it in the hope that, if I ever die suddenly, I will become the subject of internet conspiracy theories for years to come

That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.

LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore

CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*

I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit

Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.

“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”

is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?

One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.

I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.

I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day

Text:

Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.

Her: K

Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge

Sis:

M:

S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high

There are two types of people in this world:

1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once

2)Liars

Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.

Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.

I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?

You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.

‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’

~dogs in therapy

And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”

My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.

Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?

My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.