Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?

me: i guess so

7: and because she likes books?

me: um…yeah

7: but at least she’s pretty right?

me: …let’s watch moana instead

[During sex]

ME: Am I making you wet?

HER: Yes

ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying

[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry

Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.

*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going

I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.

I think she said something about listening too.

Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae

Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.

kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum

mom: who?

kid: grandma. she’s coming back

mom: honey grandma died years ago

[urn falls off mantle]

mom: get the—

kid: —vacuum?

Poured the 4-year-old a cup of orange juice but she insisted on sticking a straw into an actual orange instead. She refuses to admit it doesn’t work. Every time I look at her she pretends to suck at the straw and gives a refreshed “aaahhh.”

Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…

It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.

“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”

“Just ignore him, sweetie.”

I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.

[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real

(2022)

Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes

Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.

It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.

A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.

On the way to school.

angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible

god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls

angel: ok first question why

god: wait i’m not finished

[gently waking my mom] I’m in a gang now. With 43 monkeys.

[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”

[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”

[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”

Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.

him: I’m like the potato of people

me: lumpy

him: no, I-

me: covered in dirt

him: god dammit

When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.

Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.

I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.

[ on trial ]

me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?

judge: we can all hear you

me: then I’d like an answer to the question